PERSONAL ASSISTANT + CUSTOMER SUPPORT — FLEXIBLE HOURS, 7 DAYS, DAYTIME, LONG-TERM SEAT

PERSONAL ASSISTANT + CUSTOMER SUPPORT — FLEXIBLE HOURS, 7 DAYS, DAYTIME, LONG-TERM SEAT
Read this entire post before applying. If you skim it, you will fail in the first five seconds and we will both have wasted our time. That is not a threat — it's a favor. This job is not for most people, and I'd rather you find that out now.

WHAT THIS JOB ACTUALLY IS
I run several e-commerce brands. I need one person beside me who handles the things I should not be handling myself.

Two halves:

Half one — customer support. You own the inbox. Order questions, delivery questions, refunds, returns, angry people, confused people, people who ordered the wrong size. You answer them in clear English, politely, fast, and you follow the written procedures we hand you. When you hit something the procedures don't cover, you ask me instead of guessing.

Half two — everything else. This is the honest part. I do not have a clean list of tasks for you. Some of what you'll do:

Chasing suppliers and shipping companies for answers.
Finding information I need and putting it somewhere I can read it in one minute.
Data entry. Spreadsheets. Renaming files. Moving things from one place to another.
Signing up for things, filling in forms, dealing with a support chat for three hours so I don't have to.
Checking whether something on a website is broken and telling me exactly what you saw.
Reminding me of things I said I'd do and did not do.
Small research jobs: prices, competitors, which tool does X, what's this company's phone number.

Some days this work is interesting. Most days it is not. It is the boring, unglamorous, absolutely necessary work that keeps a business from falling over. If that sounds beneath you, stop reading — no hard feelings.

WHAT WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT, IN THIS EXACT ORDER
You answer. When I message you during your hours, you reply. Not in four hours. Not tomorrow.
You finish what you start. A task you took is a task that comes back done, or comes back with a question. Never silence.
You stay. I am hiring a person for years, not renting one for two months.
You can be trusted with real things. Accounts, customers, money-adjacent decisions. I need to stop double-checking you by month two.
Your skills. Yes, fifth.

Notice where skill sits on that list. That is deliberate. I can teach you our systems, our tone, our procedures, our tools — and the person who reads carefully enough to type "lussekatt" as the first word in the title when applying is already showing me the exact trait I'm hiring for. It is not part of the title structure below; it goes before it. What I cannot teach is judgment, honesty, and being the kind of person who says "I made a mistake" the same day it happened instead of hoping nobody notices.

I would rather hire a good person with average skills than a skilled person I have to manage. This is my personal assistant seat. Character is the job requirement. Everything else is training.

HOURS — READ THIS TWICE, IT'S THE UNUSUAL PART
There is no fixed schedule. There is no minimum and no maximum.

Some days I need 2 hours from you. Some days I need 10. Most days land somewhere in between. I do not know in advance which day will be which — that's the nature of the work.

What I need in return for that flexibility is this: you book your working day to me. Seven days a week, you are reachable and ready inside a window we agree on — roughly 09:00–18:00 Philippine time. If I only have 3 hours of work that day, you work 3 hours and the rest of your day is yours. If a launch blows up and I need 10, you're there.

Yes, seven. Including Sunday. I'm saying it plainly because it's the thing most people will walk away over, and I'd rather they walk away now than in month two. Customers email on Sundays and orders go wrong on Sundays. Sunday is usually the lightest day of the week — often an hour or two of inbox and nothing else — but it is not a day where I can't reach you.

That means: this is not a job you stack on top of two other clients. The availability IS the product. You cannot be available for me and also promised to somebody else in the same window.

No graveyard shift. No 2am calls. I start my own day very early, so I'm online through most of your working day.
You keep your regular Philippine holidays. Tell me in advance, that's all.
Need a day off for a wedding, a funeral, a doctor, a family thing? Tell me a few days ahead and it's a yes. I'm asking you to be dependable, not to be a machine. What I can't work with is finding out you're gone on the morning it happens.

Over a normal month this lands around full-time hours. Some months more, some less. Which is exactly why I pay the way I pay:

PAY — READ THIS PART SLOWLY
Hourly, with a guaranteed floor. I'm not going to ask you to hold your whole day open and then pay you nothing when I happen to be quiet.

$3.50 USD per hour, for every hour you work.
Guaranteed floor of $350 USD per month. That's 100 hours paid whether or not I send you 100 hours of work. If I go quiet, that's my problem, not your rent.
Paid twice a month, on time, every time. We have never missed a payment and we never will.

In a normal month you'll work 150–200 hours, which is $525–$700. A heavy launch month is more. There is no cap.

On top of that:

$40 USD responsiveness bonus, every month where you answered inside your hours every single working day. This is the easiest money in the job and it is entirely in your control.
$40 USD ownership bonus, in any month where you spotted and fixed something I never asked you to look at. I d ---------- this one, and I'd rather pay it than not.

Your first raise comes after ONE month. Not six. Not "we'll see." One month.

The raise ladder, in writing:

When Hourly rate A ~170-hour month, with bonuses
Start $3.50 ~$595–675
After 1 month $3.75 ~$640–720
After 3 months $4.00 ~$680–760
After 6 months $4.35 ~$740–820

Every step is automatic as long as you're still doing the job. It goes into your agreement on day one. You will never have to ask me for a raise, and I will never "forget."

I put the first raise at one month on purpose. Most employers dangle a raise at six months and half of them never pay it. I'd rather prove to you inside four weeks that when you deliver, the number actually moves — and then keep proving it.

How hours are tracked: you log them honestly, in a simple shared sheet, on the day you work them. I am not going to install spyware on your computer and I am not going to count your mouse clicks. In exchange, I need the number in that sheet to be true. If that trust ever breaks, the job ends the same day. That is the only hard rule in this entire post.

WHO SHOULD NOT APPLY
Please save us both the time. Do not apply if:

You cannot be reachable seven days a week, Sunday included.
You have other clients in the same hours and this would be "one of them."
You need a predictable 9-to-5 with a fixed task list to feel secure.
You go quiet when you're stuck, embarrassed, or behind.
Boring repetitive work makes you resentful.
Your English is not comfortable enough to write to an upset customer without me rewriting it.
Your internet is unreliable and you have no backup connection.
You have no plan for brownouts or power cuts.
You want to negotiate the rate upward before you've worked a single month.
You are looking for a placeholder while you search for something better.
You want to grow into a marketing or creative role. That's not this seat.

I'm not being harsh for fun. I've hired before and lost good people because they wanted a different job than the one I actually had. This time I'm describing it exactly.

HOW TO APPLY — THIS IS THE FIRST TEST
Ninety percent of applicants will get this wrong. That's the point.

1. Subject line, formatted EXACTLY like this:

[codeword] | [hours you could work on a heavy day] | [how soon you can start] | [your written English, 1-10] | [your spoken English, 1-10] | [your download speed from speedtest.net]

Example: XXXXXX | 10 | 3 days | 8 | 7 | 45mbps

The codeword is written somewhere in this post. I'm not telling you where. If you actually read the whole thing, you already have it.

Wrong format, missing codeword, missing a field — deleted unread. No exceptions, no second chances.

2. Your message must contain these six things, in this order, and nothing else:

Line 1 — The most boring, annoying or tedious task you have ever done for an employer or client. What was it, how long did it go on, and how did you feel about it. Be honest. "I love all tasks equally" is a failed answer.

Your setup — Computer and specs. Internet provider and speed. Backup internet. What you do when the power goes out. Be specific and boring. "I have good internet" is a failed answer.

Longevity — The longest you have ever stayed in one role or with one client. How long, and why it ended. A short history with an honest reason beats an inflated one.

The customer test — A customer writes: "This is the THIRD time I'm email ing you. My order was supposed to arrive 9 days ago, there's no tracking update, and nobody answers. I want my money back NOW." Write your actual reply. 40–60 words. Don't explain what you'd do — write the email .

Two honest answers — (a) Tell me about a time you were stuck on a task and didn't know what to do. What did you do in the first 30 minutes? (b) What would make you quit this job? Everyone has a breaking point. I trust the person who names it far more than the person who says "nothing."

Last line — A link to a voice recording of yourself, 60 seconds, unscripted, answering one question: what did you do yesterday, from when you woke up until you went to bed. Loom, Google Drive, WhatsApp voice note, anything I can open. No script, no retakes — I am listening to how you talk, not what you did.

Do not attach a generic CV. It will not be read.

THE THREE STAGES
Stage 1 — The application above. Takes 20 minutes if you're serious. Most people won't do it.

Stage 2 — The real-day test. Unpaid, about 2 hou